my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
