I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
