remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize