Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
