also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
