I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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