Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
