The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
