remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize