I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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