I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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