im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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