i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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