My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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