Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
