Jerry, you need to find god
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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