Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
