I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
