you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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