If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
