oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
