i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
