Me too!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
