i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
