Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
