she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
