Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
