JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Randomize
