I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
