Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
