I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
