Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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