is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
