whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
