Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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