remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
