You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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