why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
