Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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