things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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