I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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