I think I died a long time ago.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
