I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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