We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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