My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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