matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
