I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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