I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
