he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
