Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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