So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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