so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
