Even the bartender felt bad for me
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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