dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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