I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
