Apparently you make a good broom.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
