3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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